Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Food as a weapon

My girl and I took a long hike yesterday... I was working real hard on hiking to hike.  Not to burn calories.  Not to meet some goal.  Just to be aware.  To notice my surroundings and to be silent with them.

Thich Nhat Hanh said:

Silence doesn't mean not talking and not doing things; it means that you are not disturbed inside, there is no talking inside.  If you're truly silent, then no matter what situation you find yourself in you can enjoy the silence.  There are moments when you think you're silent and all around is silent, but talking is going on all the time inside your head.  That's not silence.  The practice is how to find silence in all the activities you do.

It's hard work.  Being silent.  Truth be told, I suck at it.  In fact, as I typed that out I realized that I for sure wasn't silent yesterday.  DANG.  I thought I had been.  I had been appreciating my present moment... totally different from being silent.

Anyway, after I had stared at the scenery, I started to think about these diet pills one of my cousins is on.  She's gone from a size 14 to a size 6 and has posted pictures on blahbook of the grand transformation.  She's decided to sell the pills and the shakes and the this and the that.  I was basically convinced to do it.  Who cares that you have to take the pills and the shakes and the this and the that for the rest of your life?  Who gives a rat's ass?  I could be a size 6.  A SIZE 6.  For only $100 a month.  PLUS?  You can eat whatever you want!  And you have tons of energy! 

I told her it sounded like a dream come true.

As I was practicing my silence (that ended up obviously not being silence), I thought about my relationship with food.  And how fucked up it is.  Food has been my enemy since I was 12 years old.  My weapon of choice.  My drug of choice.  I rarely enjoy it... I mostly just use it.  I can use it for good, I can use it for evil.  I can completely cut myself off from it until I get dizzy or I can stuff myself with it till I almost explode... and then beat the shit out of myself by forcing it out of my stomach.

Passive aggressive or violent.  This way or that.  Very little middle ground (not to say that hasn't existed for me... it has... just not in a solid manner).

I wonder if I treat others the way I treat myself.  Probably. 

I don't want to take a magic pill and a magic shake and a this and a that... I don't want to slay myself either.  I want to be present with my food.  I want to enjoy it.  I want to feel it, smell it, taste it.  I want to use it to feed myself, not to punish myself. 

I want to rest in the middle ground.

1 comment:

  1. Oh mama, I could've written this post a decade ago. Unfortunately there isn't a magic pill for weight loss or the psychological stuff we wade through when eating (or not eating). I am thrilled for your cousin but the reality is: none of it lasts unless we first look at how we got where we are in the first place.

    I don't have any advice, I just wanted to tell you you are doing everything right-even when it feels wrong. Being aware of why you're doing what you're doing is the first step to healing. There will be good days and bad days but being aware of it makes all the difference.

    I just wanted to say I love you. :)