I recognize that the primary... what is it? Thought? Feeling? Whatever it is, the primary thing I am experiencing right now with my son (after love) is fear.
His reactions to the world, to me, to sounds, to touch, to others... they are leaving me in a place of fear. It's keeping me up at night. My shoulders are heavier.
I'm scared for him. I want him to be okay.
I feel so lost.
Have I mentioned that I found a therapist who specializes in working with children who have traumatic backgrounds? Children who have been adopted or are currently in the foster care system? She doesn't live nearby (more like four hours away... I think), but she has agreed to work with our family via the phone unless more steps are necessary.
When I spoke with her the first time, she spoke about fear. My son's fear. She spoke about trauma and the way young children respond to it. She mentioned cortisol. Sleeping. Anxiety. And although she couldn't promise a magic wand, she did say that there were things we could do to help our boy. Strategies. Coping mechanisms.
My fear is nothing compared to his. I understand that. I know that.
Watching your child struggle? Comprehending that I can't just make everything better, easier, safer for him by reading a book or snuggling with him?
Oh, sweet one. We'll get there one day. We will.